pondering

would I rather have a harder life than I expected but KNOW KNOW KNOW Christ

OR

have an easier life, but not REALLY know Him


I recently had a night where I was throwing up all night and in between each bathroom trip I made for myself, I made one for Tucker...who was having diarrhea...and couldn't quite make it to the toilet which meant a lot of clean up for me.

I was crabby and bitching to myself (its true...no other word can reflect my bad attitude) about "why why why" do I always have to "do this" type of thing.
I was angry
I was feel ridiculously sorry for myself

Sometime in the middle of the night, after about 4 hours of this, I fell into bed bawling.
I was telling God how my life had become something that I had NOT signed up for.
Being a single mom to 5 kids the majority of my week was NOT ok with me.
Having more responsibility on my plate than I ever thought I could handle was NOT ok with me.
ME never being able to take priority was NOT ok withe me.
Having had so many years of finacial struggle has NOT been ok with me


And just like that
CRYSTAL clear I heard Him say "you are unhappy b.c you have stopped doing your life as if you are doing it FOR me"

wow.

He was right (hard to believe....;))
I had slowly, over the past year, started to focus on all the "deeds" and "things" and "stuff" I had to do.
I had stopped looking at the ONE I get to do it for.

After a friend told me the next day that she would pray that our sick family would get better and we wouldn't need to deal with the crap we have dealt with this year anymore I told her "God seems to speak the clearest to me when I am elbow deep in crap" (no pun intended) and she said "then BRING on the crap!"

and I agree

I would much rather have a life a bit harder than I expect but HEAR HIS VOICE
than have it be easy(er) and not really hear Him.

I am not saying it has to be hard to hear Him.....but my point is I will take any life JUST to hear his voice.
to KNOW Him.

And I am really excited to be refocusing my eyes and thoughts back to HIM instead of everything else.

all I want is to be grateful.
for EVERYTHING.
even the hard things.

but right now, this is not me.
I am crabby. I am frustrated. I am resentful.
I am really struggling to see the good that surrounds me
and instead, am bombarded by whats not good

all I want is to be grateful
but that means I need to stop looking at the negative.

all I can say right now is....

there is not one.single.way I could survive this life with out my

Father
Creator
Savior
King
Redeemer
Friend

and I am quietly in awe of the fact that I never have to even try.

I am at a very strange time in my life right now
In so many ways its amazing
I can SEE God at work...both in me, in Bill, in us together

I can't get enough of my kids
They are at such great ages
from just out of the baby stage to getting so grown up and starting to "get" things

But in a lot of ways I feel like I am drowning
I don't even know exactly how to put my finger on it
I am use to balancing work and home
I am still not good at it...but it's not new to me
I am use to Bill working all.of.the.time
I hate it...but again, it's not new to me

So I don't really understand why right now these things feel like they are taking me down
Due to some hard things we have been going through lately I have been on my knees and praying without ceasing like I never have before
And yet I feel alone in a lot of ways

I feel like I am just getting by
I am tired to the bone
I mean...I don't even know what word to use to describe to the extent that I am tired.
I feel desperate for a month away with just Bill and I and the kids
A month away from everything to DO nothing. To just be together.

I don't feel like I can even help people b.c I can hardly help myself right now....I am NOT ok with that!

I am also NOT ok with "just getting by"
Jesus didn't come and die for me to have a so so life....
and yet, I feel like I am headed down that road

I miss Bill so much I it brings instant tears to my eyes at just the thought
We are working so hard to get out of debt so he doesn't have to work SO HARD anymore
but it feels like it's never going to get there
I watch my kids missing him as much as I do...and they don't even get to see him every day
He leaves so early in the morning and often gets home so late at night that often they don't even get to see him!!!

I keep asking God WHAT can we do different? What can we change?! I would sell anything. I would stay in this house forever. I would go without SO much just to have him home more! And yet, we already DO go without much and we HAVE sold what we can and we ARE staying in this house right now....and yet he just seems to be gone more and more.

Lord Jesus....how long will we have to do this?! My heart is aching. My soul is so weary. It is ONLY by your grace that we are doing ok at all! I believe that you know the plans you have for us are for good and not harm....I am trusting in what I can't see b.c I know that YOU can.

Amen

I am just rambling
I am not asking for anything
It just helps me to write....

I ain't going nowhere!

I have always heard things like "taking the road less traveled" or " I will follow Jesus through the anything..." or "Gods timing is perfect" or "His ways are not my ways....and that is ok"

To all of these things I would always say "Absolutely!!" or, if I am feeling especially churchy, I might even mutter an "Amen Sista'!" under my breath (assuming, of course, the person talking is a woman....)

I am pretty sure I have experienced some of these things in my life....although I am feeling hard pressed to come up with any specific examples right now.

What I HAVE experienced many times is something like this:

I am up against a hard, hard, unmoving wall in which my only option is to turn around and go the other way. The opposite direction is by no means easy...but it is really the ONLY way. So...I go. Because, after all...what other choice to I have?

As of the past few months, I am at a different place.
There is no wall.
Instead, in its place...is a fork.

Neither direction is "good" or "bad" per se. They are just different.

And from where I am standing, it appears that God is directing one path, while the other would be directed by yours truly.

So, over this past few months, I have confidently marched myself down the path that I sensed God.
And while I am delighted to be in his presence....something unexpected has happened.
And that would be nothing
not one.single.thing

As my confident march turns to more of a confused wandering, I notice the path running parallel to me.
The one I sensed would have been guided by myself.
The one I am PRETTY sure I am glad I am not on, b.c I DO really desire to allow Christ to be my leader....and not myself.
BUT,
I appears that if I had taken that path, most likely the thing I am waiting to have happen WOULD happen.
But in a different capacity. It would be a safe, same as always kind of happening.

The road I am currently on eludes to bigger, exciting, things beyond my expectation kind of happenings.

But, as I mentioned earlier...at this point, these bigger, exciting things have yet to happen.
Instead, it appears to be "just" my savior and I. Standing around. waiting.

And as I am standing, I see that there is yet another path.
A smaller, shorter one....it leads to the one running parallel to the one I am on. It leads to the one where I would be the one in control.
Things would (most likely) be happening, but they would be small and minimal.
And I would be the guide.
I have one more chance to choose this path....

As I stand looking at this little path, feeling a bit confused and defeated at the lack of action I have experienced,
I am feeling a renewed sense of determination to carry on down the path that is Christ led.

For the first time I am able to REALLY put my words to action.
I am able to really say "no matter how the road looks.
No matter what "I" can see, I WILL follow Him. Because He is so worth following.
No matter what.
Even though it seems as if nothing is happening....And I will not give into the empty promises of the path that is lead by me...."

So, here I am Lord. Holding your hand. Even if we just stand here waiting.

I ain't going nowhere!!

What about being Real with HIM?

I have a REALLY hard time telling God I am upset about my circumstances

I have NO problem telling Him when I am mad at myself or my kids or Bill

But, if something happens "to" us that I don't particularly like, it is next to impossible to be upset about it to God

For example,  lets say we get news that isn't in our favor. I tend to say "ya know Lord...its ok. I know it will be ok. I know everything will work out"

which, of course, I DO believe. But I am not even letting my REAL feelings to be acknowledged

I am discovering that this isn't a good thing

I just talked about being real with other people

what in the WORLD makes me think its not even MORE important to be real to my creator

I have been feeling for quite some time that He wants me to just SAY it already

In the last 2 months, we had $3500 of unexpected vehicle expenses

We found out about the biggest one during my garage sale

The garage sale that I kicked butt on

That I spend WEEKS cleaning out my entire house in hopes to make it feel more empty

The one that I KNEW I would make a decent amount of moo-lah....allowing me to buy some much anticipated items from Ikea

When it looked as if all my hard work was going to go towards the fixing of vehicles....I....well, lets be honest

I had a tantrum

I was SO SO frustrated! 

It is pretty much only with my garage sale money that I get to buy anything of significant value 

We have been working our butts off to pay off debt and I just REALLY wanted to spend my money the way I wanted to spend my money!

So, here I was.....

mad

but not wanting to be mad

frustrated

and even more frustrated at myself for being so frustrated

Its JUST money

Its JUST stuff that I wanted to buy

And very clearly, just like that I heard God say "just be real with Me. just SAY what you are thinking.....I know you wont stay in this place, but you MUST be real with Me"

so

nervously

with a bit of anxiety and guilt

I laid  it out there

I am pretty sure it went something like this:

"Lord, are you freaking KIDDING me with this? I am SO done and over with all these unexpected financial things that cause us all sorts of frustration and panick. I am SICK and tired of having to ask You to dig into your bag of miracles to get us through another situation. 

I don't care if its selfish...I JUST want to spend the money on myself!"

followed up with arms crossed over my chest and a "humph"

and do you know what....it felt GOOD

If its freeing to be real with people

Its like chains being dropped being real with HIM!!!

And within seconds after my tantrum....er....prayer

I really WAS ok with not useing any of my money on me

I was, instead, so thankful that we HAD this extra money coming in!

(a side note...I DID actually end up getting to spend  a little bit of the money! win win!)

After this revelation I started trying to figure out why I wasn't so keen on being real with my feelings with God

My conclusion?

I was afraid it wasn't "Godly"

Why did I feel this way?

I have no idea...I would never think this of anyone else

I believe I had been hearing and responding to a LIE

But, just to make sure that me being real with God is biblical....I went to work searching my bible

I found many verses* that solidified in me the need to be Real with God

but the one that was most profound was The Message Bibles translation of Psalm 139:23

"Investigate my life, O God

find out everything about me

cross-examine and test me,

get a clear picture of what I am about

see for yourself whether I have done anything wrong-

then guide me on the road to eternal life"

In order to get the whole meaning of something, I like to break it down (I am SO my dad!), so, stick with me....

Investigate (verb)

to search out and examine the particulars of in an attempt to learn the facts about something hidden, unique, or complex, esp. in an attempt to find a motive, cause, or culprit (emphasis mine)

(to) Find Out (verb)

to uncover the true nature, identity, or intentions of (emphasis mine)

Examine (verb)

to inspect or scrutinize carefully

With this verse, with these definitions of the words used in the verse, There is no doubt in my mind that He is asking me (us) to be REAL with Him

So that we can ultimately allow Him to transform me (us) into what He intended for me (us) to be

Besides....He knows exactly what we are thinking anyways....wether I choose to be real or not!

*Job 31:6

Psalm 26:2

1 Samuel 16:7

1 Chronicles 29:17

Psalm 7:9

Real

One of my favorite definitions of real is  "not merely seeming"

I lived a good portion of my, thus far short life, "merely seeming"

If you could look at me and say "Man, she seems like she can do ANYTHING!" or "wow, she ALWAYS seems put together" etc...I would have been on cloud 9. Thats right...I would have fooled you! And I would have been happy to do so.

See, if you had, at one time, said these things about me, then I would have been "merely seeming" in stead of actually being.

The thing about being real is that it is scary

What if people judge me

What if they don't like me

What if they think I am crazy

What if they think I SHOULD be more together than I actually am

What if they are disappointed in me

But what I am finding is that, as scary as it is to be real, it is even SCARIER to "merely seem"

b.c the minute we seem to be something we aren't 

we have just built up a wall between us and those around us

B.c if we SEEM invincible or SEEM unstoppable or SEEM to have it all together or SEEM to be on top of the world, then we immediately intimidate everyone who doesn't have all of these things

and I don't know about you, but intimidation is one of the hardest walls to knock over

I really started to learn this lesson over 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, Tucker. Bill was an over the road truck driver at the time, causing me to be home alone with two little kids, sick, pregnant and working from home.  I was totally in over my head. And yet, I had no idea how to ask for help....b.c I had never asked for help before. Because asking for help was like a death sentence to my "seemingly put together self"

One day my sister stopped by and was in complete shock as my house looked like it had literally been hit by a storm. Toys, diapers, dishes, clothes, papers, etc were EVERYWHERE. I was by far too sick to get up and do anything about any of it. My kids literally ate peanut butter and jelly the entire week...and I had to crawl to the kitchen (to try to prevent myself from throwing up) just to make that happen!

And yet, in my failed attempt to keep up something that wasn't....I just let myself deal with it all on my own. 

It was at this time that I realized that whatever it was in me that insisted that everyone see me as something I wasn't....HAD to go

Just a few months later, I had a chance to have a new friend and her family over. However, we were in the middle of painting out living room, which  meant that the entire house was torn apart. I ended up having 10 minutes notice before their arrival and I decided that, although she had never seen my house before and really didn't know me...I just needed to risk the chance that she might be turned off by my unsightly house. Because, after all....this WAS who I was.  This WAS real.

Not only didn't she MIND that my house was a wreck, she was grateful for it!

Did you hear what I said? She as GRATEFUL!!!!!

She has told me the same thing several times since. And our conversation that day was amazing. Full of history and depth and real hurts and joys. She has told me that b.c I was so vulnerable with her right from the start....it allowed her to feel safe enough to be real in return. 

I TOTALLY didn't see THAT coming! 

So, it has become my life's mission to be as real as possible with all those around me.

This is still not easy

my pride swells in me and tries to convince me that no one REALLY needs to know that  I spent 3 days in my sweats. Or that I let my kids watch 3.5 hours of cartoons the other day b.c I was too tired to encourage them to do anything else.  Or that I was rude to Bill recently even though he had not done one single thing to deserve it. Or that I struggle with being jealous....of lots of things.  Or that I  have no patience for my kids this week. Or that I am sick and tired of Bill working 14+ hours a day/ 6 days a week right now.

But then I remember how much more normal I feel when someone next to me says these things to me....and it gives me a freedom to move on and not continue to beat myself up for the things I don't get right.

Is being real the same as complaining? Or having a negative attitude? Although I think it can be a fine line, I certainly don't think so. Because, although the above things I listed are true of this past few weeks alone....I am by NO means discontent with my life. In fact, it couldn't be further from the truth! I know so much joy and peace and I am doing a much better job of going at it alone right now than would be possible on my own strength.....(please please read with lots of emphasis the "on my own strength"....meaning, it is on HIS strength that allows me to do better than I would imagine right now)

But I would be "merely seeming" if I acted as if I had it all together.