I am at a very strange time in my life right now
In so many ways its amazing
I can SEE God at work...both in me, in Bill, in us together

I can't get enough of my kids
They are at such great ages
from just out of the baby stage to getting so grown up and starting to "get" things

But in a lot of ways I feel like I am drowning
I don't even know exactly how to put my finger on it
I am use to balancing work and home
I am still not good at it...but it's not new to me
I am use to Bill working all.of.the.time
I hate it...but again, it's not new to me

So I don't really understand why right now these things feel like they are taking me down
Due to some hard things we have been going through lately I have been on my knees and praying without ceasing like I never have before
And yet I feel alone in a lot of ways

I feel like I am just getting by
I am tired to the bone
I mean...I don't even know what word to use to describe to the extent that I am tired.
I feel desperate for a month away with just Bill and I and the kids
A month away from everything to DO nothing. To just be together.

I don't feel like I can even help people b.c I can hardly help myself right now....I am NOT ok with that!

I am also NOT ok with "just getting by"
Jesus didn't come and die for me to have a so so life....
and yet, I feel like I am headed down that road

I miss Bill so much I it brings instant tears to my eyes at just the thought
We are working so hard to get out of debt so he doesn't have to work SO HARD anymore
but it feels like it's never going to get there
I watch my kids missing him as much as I do...and they don't even get to see him every day
He leaves so early in the morning and often gets home so late at night that often they don't even get to see him!!!

I keep asking God WHAT can we do different? What can we change?! I would sell anything. I would stay in this house forever. I would go without SO much just to have him home more! And yet, we already DO go without much and we HAVE sold what we can and we ARE staying in this house right now....and yet he just seems to be gone more and more.

Lord Jesus....how long will we have to do this?! My heart is aching. My soul is so weary. It is ONLY by your grace that we are doing ok at all! I believe that you know the plans you have for us are for good and not harm....I am trusting in what I can't see b.c I know that YOU can.

Amen

I am just rambling
I am not asking for anything
It just helps me to write....