pondering

would I rather have a harder life than I expected but KNOW KNOW KNOW Christ

OR

have an easier life, but not REALLY know Him


I recently had a night where I was throwing up all night and in between each bathroom trip I made for myself, I made one for Tucker...who was having diarrhea...and couldn't quite make it to the toilet which meant a lot of clean up for me.

I was crabby and bitching to myself (its true...no other word can reflect my bad attitude) about "why why why" do I always have to "do this" type of thing.
I was angry
I was feel ridiculously sorry for myself

Sometime in the middle of the night, after about 4 hours of this, I fell into bed bawling.
I was telling God how my life had become something that I had NOT signed up for.
Being a single mom to 5 kids the majority of my week was NOT ok with me.
Having more responsibility on my plate than I ever thought I could handle was NOT ok with me.
ME never being able to take priority was NOT ok withe me.
Having had so many years of finacial struggle has NOT been ok with me


And just like that
CRYSTAL clear I heard Him say "you are unhappy b.c you have stopped doing your life as if you are doing it FOR me"

wow.

He was right (hard to believe....;))
I had slowly, over the past year, started to focus on all the "deeds" and "things" and "stuff" I had to do.
I had stopped looking at the ONE I get to do it for.

After a friend told me the next day that she would pray that our sick family would get better and we wouldn't need to deal with the crap we have dealt with this year anymore I told her "God seems to speak the clearest to me when I am elbow deep in crap" (no pun intended) and she said "then BRING on the crap!"

and I agree

I would much rather have a life a bit harder than I expect but HEAR HIS VOICE
than have it be easy(er) and not really hear Him.

I am not saying it has to be hard to hear Him.....but my point is I will take any life JUST to hear his voice.
to KNOW Him.

And I am really excited to be refocusing my eyes and thoughts back to HIM instead of everything else.