Real

One of my favorite definitions of real is  "not merely seeming"

I lived a good portion of my, thus far short life, "merely seeming"

If you could look at me and say "Man, she seems like she can do ANYTHING!" or "wow, she ALWAYS seems put together" etc...I would have been on cloud 9. Thats right...I would have fooled you! And I would have been happy to do so.

See, if you had, at one time, said these things about me, then I would have been "merely seeming" in stead of actually being.

The thing about being real is that it is scary

What if people judge me

What if they don't like me

What if they think I am crazy

What if they think I SHOULD be more together than I actually am

What if they are disappointed in me

But what I am finding is that, as scary as it is to be real, it is even SCARIER to "merely seem"

b.c the minute we seem to be something we aren't 

we have just built up a wall between us and those around us

B.c if we SEEM invincible or SEEM unstoppable or SEEM to have it all together or SEEM to be on top of the world, then we immediately intimidate everyone who doesn't have all of these things

and I don't know about you, but intimidation is one of the hardest walls to knock over

I really started to learn this lesson over 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, Tucker. Bill was an over the road truck driver at the time, causing me to be home alone with two little kids, sick, pregnant and working from home.  I was totally in over my head. And yet, I had no idea how to ask for help....b.c I had never asked for help before. Because asking for help was like a death sentence to my "seemingly put together self"

One day my sister stopped by and was in complete shock as my house looked like it had literally been hit by a storm. Toys, diapers, dishes, clothes, papers, etc were EVERYWHERE. I was by far too sick to get up and do anything about any of it. My kids literally ate peanut butter and jelly the entire week...and I had to crawl to the kitchen (to try to prevent myself from throwing up) just to make that happen!

And yet, in my failed attempt to keep up something that wasn't....I just let myself deal with it all on my own. 

It was at this time that I realized that whatever it was in me that insisted that everyone see me as something I wasn't....HAD to go

Just a few months later, I had a chance to have a new friend and her family over. However, we were in the middle of painting out living room, which  meant that the entire house was torn apart. I ended up having 10 minutes notice before their arrival and I decided that, although she had never seen my house before and really didn't know me...I just needed to risk the chance that she might be turned off by my unsightly house. Because, after all....this WAS who I was.  This WAS real.

Not only didn't she MIND that my house was a wreck, she was grateful for it!

Did you hear what I said? She as GRATEFUL!!!!!

She has told me the same thing several times since. And our conversation that day was amazing. Full of history and depth and real hurts and joys. She has told me that b.c I was so vulnerable with her right from the start....it allowed her to feel safe enough to be real in return. 

I TOTALLY didn't see THAT coming! 

So, it has become my life's mission to be as real as possible with all those around me.

This is still not easy

my pride swells in me and tries to convince me that no one REALLY needs to know that  I spent 3 days in my sweats. Or that I let my kids watch 3.5 hours of cartoons the other day b.c I was too tired to encourage them to do anything else.  Or that I was rude to Bill recently even though he had not done one single thing to deserve it. Or that I struggle with being jealous....of lots of things.  Or that I  have no patience for my kids this week. Or that I am sick and tired of Bill working 14+ hours a day/ 6 days a week right now.

But then I remember how much more normal I feel when someone next to me says these things to me....and it gives me a freedom to move on and not continue to beat myself up for the things I don't get right.

Is being real the same as complaining? Or having a negative attitude? Although I think it can be a fine line, I certainly don't think so. Because, although the above things I listed are true of this past few weeks alone....I am by NO means discontent with my life. In fact, it couldn't be further from the truth! I know so much joy and peace and I am doing a much better job of going at it alone right now than would be possible on my own strength.....(please please read with lots of emphasis the "on my own strength"....meaning, it is on HIS strength that allows me to do better than I would imagine right now)

But I would be "merely seeming" if I acted as if I had it all together.